Arrrrrgh.
I keep pounding away at the keyboard, trying to write. The words fit together, the thoughts seem to work. And yet. And yet. And yet.
I keep trying to find a witty way to say it, or a deep profound statement. But none of it is really working. So maybe just being blunt is the best way.
I am lonely.
Well there, that was pretty straightforward wasn’t it? No beating around the bush.
Ok, am I truly alone in the world? No, obviously not. I have friends. I have family. I have people that I care about and that care about me.
But still.
I can’t really complain. I know why I am lonely right now, and it is a conscious choice. And I am not sad about it, at least not depressed. I am trying to find my happiness in being alone, reaching out for ways to give the days some meaning, some sense of purpose. I reach out to my friends. Well sometimes.
Ok not very often.
I admit it. I don’t open up the way I should. Not in the way that people open up to me. It’s not like I don’t try. I do. But when I feel down or troubled, I tend to turn inwards, and can be very stubborn when it comes to opening back up, letting people in.
That’s kind of one of the reasons I started this, to find an easier way for me to open up, to get out what is inside me so it doesn’t just sit in my gut growing stagnant and black and hard.
You know what’s weird is that each time I hit that button to post something, I get this weird insecure feeling. I wonder what will people say or think, will they like it or just look at me funny. But still I hit the button. For myself more than anything. Just to prove to myself that I can.
None of which really has anything to do with being lonely. Or maybe it does. How can I expect to stop being lonely when I find it so hard to just open up?
I guess the thought of going home tonight to the empty apartment when it is freezing cold outside and curling up under the blanket by myself just sounds so unappealing. And yet it is what I will do. Because that’s what living is, sometimes: making it through the days and nights until we get the opportunity to change things and seizing it.
So maybe I am not lonely. Maybe I am just biding my time.
Maybe I think too much.
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I don't know about being consciously alone, having been in the same relationship since I was 20. I do, however, know about being lonely. Sometimes it just sneaks up on me for no good reason.
ReplyDeleteBlogging is hard because you put everything out there- you have no control over how someone reads what you've written, what they'll think about you. Keep going, please ... I'm really enjoying reading.
even those of us in relationships can be lonely. and trust me when i say that that is the lonliest kind of lonely there is. having someone physically there who is not really there! eric, you are a great guy and will make someone very happy! i'd like to say that you are biding your time, cause once you find that someone, YOU will never be lonely again! that is something i am certain of!! hugs!!!
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