I am thinking about who I am tonight.
Years ago, my friend Pete told me that I had to decide if I was a working class intellectual or a white collar punk. Or something along those lines.
My thought was as it is now. Do I have to choose?
Lately I keep hearing about roles in life, how people perceive us. How people keep expecting us to fit their notions of how we are and who we should be. Every time I hear that, every time I feel that in my own life, I want to scream.
I don’t know who I am in this world. I don’t mean that in a depressed, sobbing sort of way. I mean that in an “I wear many hats, I have to be many things” sort of way.
Am I the business casual sales rep?
Am I the lonely guy sitting at home all the time?
Am I the comics reading geek?
Am I the guy who never knew is father?
Am I the guy who drinks too much when sad?
Am I the guy too shy to say hello?
Am I the guy who makes everyone laugh?
Am I the one who offers my shoulder to those in need?
Am I the one who just wants to be left alone?
Am I the romantic who wants a wife and a family?
Am I the one who loves a dive bar and loud punk rock?
Am I the one who sings along to his iPod while walking down the street?
Am I the one who fights back tears when I hear bagpipes?
Am I the flirt? The lover?
Am I the one with a temper? The one who avoids fights?
Am I the one tongue tied and unsure?
Am I the one who goes after what he wants?
Do I have to be one? Can’t I be all?
I refuse to play one role over the other. I refuse to be who everyone expects me to be. I refuse to stop being all of these things.
They are all parts of me. They are who I am. If I am to change, it will be on my terms.
It will be what I want.
So maybe I don't know who I am, maybe I won't discover it.
Maybe I am not supposed to. Isn't that what life is about? Discovery and change?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
You are definitely not the only one. I go through these thoughts almost daily. I think most people feel the same way, they just don't admit it. We're all complex individuals, yet it seems to be human nature to want to put a label on everything.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
ReplyDeleteI don't question who I am.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I should be more curious?
I don't question who Eric is.
I won't until his actions and words bring the question to mind.
Eric is Eric.
And I'm okay with that.
Yes. You get it. If we both feel this way, I bet other people do too, which is kind of a relief to think.
ReplyDelete